I sat there in silence, waiting for the stick to show the results. I felt guilty. Guilty, because here I was hiding in the bathroom, while my husband was is the next room unaware. I needed a moment alone to process my emotions.
As the little white stick unveiled those two little lines, I sat there in silence. It was a bittersweet moment and I didn’t know how to react… I couldn’t do anything but cry…
…cry for joy.. and cry for fear… cry for the emotions that laid ahead…
Last June, I experienced a miscarriage. It was an experience that challenged everything that I had in me (read my miscarriage story here). It was so painful and made me realize just how common it was. How had I been so blessed and beat the odds to have three healthy pregnancies before? Would I be allowed one more?
For me, finding out that I was pregnant again after a miscarriage brought all those fears back. You don’t take moments like this for granted anymore. I felt like I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, or even relax until I knew for sure that baby was there and healthy.
At roughly 7 weeks, I decided it was time to see my OBGYN. I needed to know that everything was ok. If it was going to be bad news again, I wanted to know it now than later. As I sat talking to the doctor, it was surreal to hear her say that this is my 5th pregnancy… 5th pregnancy.. but only have three little ones at home. It was sobering reminder of that void.
When I walked into the ultrasound room, I felt a huge sense of flashback and fear. Here I was, only a few months later, in the exact same exam room with the same sweet ultrasound tech. She congratulated me and told me how she was excited to see me back so soon. As we started the exam, she was pretty quiet. I couldn’t help think how this felt so similar to my previous visit with her. I couldn’t help but feel fear.
She explained to me that she’d like to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better visual of my uterus. She pointed to me to the direction to the restroom, to go empty my bladder, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was going to cry. At this is point my appointment was going exactly alike my appointment a few months ago. My first three pregnancies, I had already seen the baby at this point. I couldn’t help but feeling like I was walking back into that room, prepared for the bad news… again.
Not even 30 seconds after we started the second ultrasound, she finally turned that screen around and there was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.
…There it was…a beautiful little bean with a beating heartbeat…
I could help up cry tears of joy. I had been walking around the past few weeks with the biggest sense of fear. Fear that history was to repeat itself. But thankfully, not this time. Not in this joyful moment.
It’s been a few weeks since that appointment, and I would be lying if I said that I have no fear when it comes to this pregnancy. There is always a little fear of what could go wrong. You are not free of the risk of loss until you hold that beautiful baby in your arms. Even then, what the world holds is unknown.
I have to let go of that fear and know that it is ok to celebrate this moment… this beautiful rainbow baby. I cannot let fear steal my joy.
We have since told our daughters the wonderful news and they couldn’t be more excited. It’s so sweet to watch them give my belly a big hug and a kiss before bed. This baby may not be born yet, but has all the love in the world. I thank the Lord everyday for my beautiful children and the blessings that motherhood brings.
Dear sweet baby…
We will keep praying that you continue to grow big and strong. Your Daddy, Sisters and I cannot wait for your arrival this summer!